Talj’s Blog

You’re laying in that place, exactly as I remember you only this time people are coming and going all the time. I just seem to be standing around on the sidelines, never actually going up to your bed but wishing more than anything you’ll get better. All the things that happened in real life are happening now, they’ve come to tell us that this is it there is nothing more they can do. I spend time with your Mum, as I did then, excusing myself after a little while so I can go and wander around the corridors outside ICU and some how try and get my head around all thats happening.

When I return everyone has gone, it’s dark and you’re awake. You never woke. We are laughing and joking about the chapters of Harry Potter I have spent hours reading to you the last few nights, it’s as if nothing bad has happened. The tubes and machines have gone. The nurse comes and says we can go home, having questioned everything they told us earlier about how unwell you were I don’t ask a thing this time. I watch you have a shave, throw on some clothes and then were gone. Back at the flat you are smiling that beautiful smile and looking at me, then I realise I’m on the edge looking in again.

It was just a dream, like the ones I had in the months after you had gone. A cruel dream that leaves me wondering, even once I am awake, whether it is really true…

Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart, I’ll never forget you xxx

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6th February 1975 – 18th June 2005

I can’t believe you’d be 33 today. A few days ago I found myself wondering how much things would have changed since I last held your hand. What would we be doing now? Where would we be living? Would we have visited all the places we talked about? Would I have become so poorly if you were still here? How good would you be at pushing my wheelchair? How many grey hairs would you have? It’s hard not to think of ‘what might have been’ and there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t miss you terribly and wish things were different but, today is about remembering the good times and celebrating your life

Finding someone special can take a lifetime, I was lucky to find it at just 15. Although our lives weren’t trouble free, the ups and downs were made so much easier with you by my side. Thank you for giving me the happiest 10 years of my life. My love is yours always XxX

I realise that most of you reading never got the chance to meet Damian but these words from his boss just about sum up what a wonderful man he was…

“…He was animated, caring and loyal, with a strong sense of fair play and justice. Always determined to get things right, but tolerant of other’s failings.

He was funny. Sharp, witty with an uncanny empathy for friends and colleagues. I personally shall miss his ability to gently mock my latest big idea, while believing passionately in its execution.

A man of simple passions; but simplicity born, not of dullness or ignorance, but a deep resonating simplicity born of personal tragedy, self knowledge and humanity. Having found his life, he loved it and lived it as brightly as possible…”

I know for sure that my life was changed forever that day, over 12 years ago, when I met Damian. I have so many fond memories. We loved our walks in the park and along the embankment in London, the way he’d say hello would brighten every one of my days, his wonderful smile made my heart skip a beat, just the feel of his hand in mine made me feel safe and secrure and even the way he ran his fingers through his hair would make me smile. All these things and many more help comfort me on days like today.

I’ll leave you with a few words from a song that’s very special to me…