Talj’s Blog

Another dip into my memories…

The day after D passed away my Mum and younger brother and sister came to see me. We went to a pub and when we got seated there was a speaker right next to our table. I’d never heard the song that was playing before but I just burst into tears and couldn’t control myself. Mum had to go and ask for the speakers to be turned off. They were really kind and did it straight away. When I had calmed down I began to wonder what that song was….it looked like I would never find out.

A few days later I seemed to be aimlessly wandering around my flat and decided to switch the TV on to try and take my mind off things. As I flicked it on Sex in the City was on and I heard that same piece of music that was playing when I went to the pub on Sunday. It didnt play for very long (long enough to get me crying!). I really wished I knew what it was.

Then, one week after losing D I had to do something I never thought I would have to do. I had to go and buy something to wear to D’s funeral. I hate shopping and to be shopping for this seemed so unreal.

Something strange happened whilst I was searching for the final item I needed. I walked into a shoe shop, I was really fed up, we’d been shopping for at least 2 hours and I’d just about had enough. As I started to look around I stopped and playing in the shop was that same piece of music again…

That was the only bit I heard, I was crying again and Mum took me out of the shop.

When I got home that night I searched the internet for those words and when I found the song I downloaded it. I was absolutely stunned. It was like eachtime I had heard the song it had been D talking to me, everything in it was like he was singing to me. It had to have come from him. I had never heard the song before but to hear it 3 times in what has to have been the hardest week of my life, it made me realise D hadn’t left me and would always be there for me…

The song was ‘By Your Side’ by Sade..

6th February 1975 to 18th June 2005

It feels like just yesterday. Some days I still feel the grief is just too much to handle. I miss your smile, your voice, the touch of your hand, our lovely cuddles, stroking your beautiful face, running my fingers through your hair. I’d give anything to be able to do those things again.

I will never forget the moment I said goodbye to you. I remember laying my head next to yours on the bed, stroking your face and hair, how beautiful you were even with all the machines and tubes. I talked to you for hours, just you and me, I told you how much I loved you. When the time came for me to leave I held you close to me and whispered goodbye in your ear and that I will always love you. As I turned to leave I stopped in the doorway and stood alone for what seemed like forever, just looking at you as the tears ran down my cheeks…

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“You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything. I lost everything. I lost the only person I ever loved”

“No you didn’t. I was right here and you loved me anyway….Lost love is still love. It takes a different form that’s all. You cant see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it….Life has to end….love doesn’t.”

The posts below were written by me on this date in 2005, 2006, 2007 and the here and now…

11th June 2005

Never in my wildest dreams could I have seen this coming. I only spoke to you this morning and you sounded a lot happier. When I didn’t hear from you at 9pm I gave you a call but you didn’t answer, I thought maybe your water tablets were working again!! Tried you again a few minutes later and when you didn’t answer I paniced. You were so well compared to a few days before, when I rang the ward the staff nurse said you were being taken to ICU, they couldn’t tell me what had happened but I already knew it was bad. By this time it was 12.30am, I called ICU and spoke to your Mum, what a weird conversation that was. I wanted to get to you right then but trains weren’t running and Mum had had a drink so couldn’t drive me. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and prayed that you would last the night. I wanted to hold your hand and tell you that I love you…

11th June 2006

9am, 1 year ago today, would be the last time we would ever speak. You sounded so much brighter, you were feeling so much better, if only I had known then I would never hear your lovely voice again (

Words can not begin to explain how lonely life has felt without you ( So many things have happened since you entered hospital on 5th June last year, all of them would have been that much easier if you had been here, if I could have talked them through with you.

I have been blessed with MBF, J, A, P and G. Without them I wouldnt be here now. They have been so kind to me and helped me to cope since you’ve been gone. But they will never be you (

I am writing this late on Saturday night (or early sunday morning I suppose) I have felt like I was on holiday today. The new flat has a balcony and with the door open its felt like an apartment in the Canaries or something, plus I remembered to put suncream on so it even smells like holiday!! I met some nice people when I was out at the football, I am pleased I pushed myself to go, you’d have hated the heat but the atmosphere was great….game was less great but, we did win!

I just wish you were still here to share life with me. The love, laughter, tears and joy you brought was abruptly and cruelly taken and has left my heart in pieces. I want to understand why you had to go but know I never will (

Before this all becomes too much for me I will sign off (for now) but know sweetheart that there isn’t a day goes by that I dont think about you and wish that I could have you back.

I love you today and always XXXX

11th June 2007

There are times in life when you wish that things would move quicker but, there are other times when you can’t believe that life dare move so fast! It’s difficult to really understand that it has been 2 years since this terrible journey began.

Reading back through posts like those above enables me to see how much I have been through in that time and also shows me that even on days like today when I don’t feel it, I am doing ok!

This post today will be a short one, my deepest feelings are only to be shared with Damian in my ’special time’.

What I would like to do is take a moment to thank those who know exactly what today means and who walked with me through our week in ICU…to my Mum, C and W, to J, to A, to R the Pastor at RBC, to MBF – all of you in some way started a new journey with me on this date and I wouldn’t have made it to today without your love and support.

Thank you, all of you {{{HUGS}}} xxx

11th June 2008

Funny, it only seems like yesterday. I’d still just like to be able to stop the world for a moment and try to get to grips with all that has happened since this day 3 years ago.

I don’t have much to say today, I am finding things difficult at the moment and don’t seem to be able to find the right words to say properly how I am feeling.

This past year has been another one full of so many ups and downs. I’ve been to Germany, Snowdonia and the Isle of Mull (twice). I’ve had good health days and some really bad health days. I’ve made some great friends, lost some old friends, refound an important old friend and moved house…I am sure there are many more things!

Throughout everything, as well as my Mum, brother and sister, there has been one other constant in my life since June 2005. MBF, thank you for sticking by me and supporting me through everyday since then XxX

Tomorrow I will return to St Thomas’, exactly 3 years to the day when I headed there to see you. This time I am returning for the results of extensive tests and I am hoping to know for certain whether I have MS, Lupus or something totally different. So it’s going to be a day full of mixed emotions I am sure.

However, no matter where I am or what I am doing you are always in my thoughts Damian, I don’t think that will ever change, and days like today will always be full of happy and sad memories of you xxx

For Damian