5 years on…

June 11, 2010 at 10:05 am | Posted in Damian | Leave a comment

The posts below were written by me on this date in 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and the here and now…

11th June 2005

Never in my wildest dreams could I have seen this coming. I only spoke to you this morning and you sounded a lot happier. When I didn’t hear from you at 9pm I gave you a call but you didn’t answer, I thought maybe your water tablets were working again!! Tried you again a few minutes later and when you didn’t answer I paniced. You were so well compared to a few days before, when I rang the ward the staff nurse said you were being taken to ICU, they couldn’t tell me what had happened but I already knew it was bad. By this time it was 12.30am, I called ICU and spoke to your Mum, what a weird conversation that was. I wanted to get to you right then but trains weren’t running and Mum had had a drink so couldn’t drive me. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and prayed that you would last the night. I wanted to hold your hand and tell you that I love you…

11th June 2006

9am, 1 year ago today, would be the last time we would ever speak. You sounded so much brighter, you were feeling so much better, if only I had known then I would never hear your lovely voice again :(

Words can not begin to explain how lonely life has felt without you :( So many things have happened since you entered hospital on 5th June last year, all of them would have been that much easier if you had been here, if I could have talked them through with you.

I have been blessed with MBF, J, A, P and G. Without them I wouldnt be here now. They have been so kind to me and helped me to cope since you’ve been gone. But they will never be you :(

I am writing this late on Saturday night (or early sunday morning I suppose) I have felt like I was on holiday today. The new flat has a balcony and with the door open its felt like an apartment in the Canaries or something, plus I remembered to put suncream on so it even smells like holiday!! I met some nice people when I was out at the football, I am pleased I pushed myself to go, you’d have hated the heat but the atmosphere was great….game was less great but, we did win!

I just wish you were still here to share life with me. The love, laughter, tears and joy you brought was abruptly and cruelly taken and has left my heart in pieces. I want to understand why you had to go but know I never will :(

Before this all becomes too much for me I will sign off (for now) but know sweetheart that there isn’t a day goes by that I dont think about you and wish that I could have you back.

I love you today and always XXXX

11th June 2007

There are times in life when you wish that things would move quicker but, there are other times when you can’t believe that life dare move so fast! It’s difficult to really understand that it has been 2 years since this terrible journey began.

Reading back through posts like those above enables me to see how much I have been through in that time and also shows me that even on days like today when I don’t feel it, I am doing ok!

This post today will be a short one, my deepest feelings are only to be shared with Damian in my ‘special time’.

What I would like to do is take a moment to thank those who know exactly what today means and who walked with me through our week in ICU…to my Mum, C and W, to J, to A, to R the Pastor at RBC, to MBF – all of you in some way started a new journey with me on this date and I wouldn’t have made it to today without your love and support.

Thank you, all of you {{{HUGS}}} xxx

11th June 2008

Funny, it only seems like yesterday. I’d still just like to be able to stop the world for a moment and try to get to grips with all that has happened since this day 3 years ago.

I don’t have much to say today, I am finding things difficult at the moment and don’t seem to be able to find the right words to say properly how I am feeling.

This past year has been another one full of so many ups and downs. I’ve been to Germany, Snowdonia and the Isle of Mull (twice). I’ve had good health days and some really bad health days. I’ve made some great friends, lost some old friends, refound an important old friend and moved house…I am sure there are many more things!

Throughout everything, as well as my Mum, brother and sister, there has been one other constant in my life since June 2005. MBF, thank you for sticking by me and supporting me through everyday since then XxX

Tomorrow I will return to St Thomas’, exactly 3 years to the day when I headed there to see you. This time I am returning for the results of extensive tests and I am hoping to know for certain whether I have MS, Lupus or something totally different. So it’s going to be a day full of mixed emotions I am sure.

However, no matter where I am or what I am doing you are always in my thoughts Damian, I don’t think that will ever change, and days like today will always be full of happy and sad memories of you xxx

For Damian

11th June 2009

Looks like I say this every year, but, I can’t believe how fast time seems to go. So many things have changed this past 4 years.

MBF is here today and we are planning to head to the coast for the day. It’s also C’s birthday. We had come home from dropping her at the airport this day in 2005 when my world flipped upside down. Having not heard from you at the usual time it took quite a few phonecalls to find out what was happening with you…

4 year’s on C is 25 and will be a Mum sometime in the next few weeks! That will make me an Auntie…how old does that make me sound!!

These posts get harder and harder for me to write as the years go by. I don’t really know what to say :(

A few days ago I managed to catch an episode of ER that I had wanted to watch for ages…in hindsight I should have read the reviews before watching…instead I spent much of the last half an hour in tears. Whilst the cause and type of injuries aren’t anything like what you went through, the tests and outcome are so close to what happened I couldn’t help but relive those last few days…

Here’s a Youtube video of the scenes I am talking about…

Still miss and love you Sweetheart xxx

11th June 2010

5 years, 5 whole years since I heard you speak. Days like today do not get any easier :(

You have missed so much, and I have missed being able to share so much with you too.

New Years Eve 2009 I completed something you and I had dreamt of for years, I saw in 2010 in Sydney Harbour – it was AWESOME! I have never seen a display like it in my life and doubt I ever will again!

A bitter sweet evening though, MBF was wonderful, but, it was ‘our’ thing and I wish you had been there…though I have no doubt the awesome evening had a helping hand from you too…if there is any justice you’d get to choose your view for NYE’s too!

It seems since I came back from holiday and my health has been it’s usual pain in the arse I have been thinking about you and missing you more and more. Having the ring on my finger used to make me feel I was carrying you with me but as a lot of people ask if MBF and I, or even the guy I was at a conference with this week, are married it’s begining to lose it’s meaning…I will have to come up with something else special for the next 5 years that gets me through.

I am heading to a place we loved next week for your special day, I really hope you’ll meet me there, a walk along the beach always makes me feel close to you…till next Friday, thinking of you and love you always sweetheart xxxx

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